Reminiscences

Recently MM and I went to the movies to see the R rated feature from New York called “Shortbus”. Essentially it was about a pre-orgasmic woman (her term, not mine - I prefer anorgasmic), which is a woman who is unable to experience an orgasm. So I identified with her quest. She loves sex / I love sex and have had a lot of it, but that “Big O” sensation eludes both of us. Ironically she was a sex therapist or “relationships counsellor”....yet another case of “doctor heal thyself”!

The movie skillfully explored the sexual issues of a number of people, showing how most of us, it seems, have at least one major sexual hang-up. In a very New York kind of way it delved into people’s fetishes, insecurities, fantasies, passions and their fears....and how we all get there in the end. And it doesn’t matter how you get there, but you do work it out in the end. We are all on some kind of path towards “sexual enlightenment”.

So I found myself thinking: my swingers scene is a pathway. Thinking back on my sexual youth and my many encounters, I was without any real consciousness about my actions whatsoever. I liked boy, boy liked girl, inevitably we fucked at least once, sometimes more than once, and sometimes never saw each other again. Didn’t worry about consequences... what consequences! Mummy and daddy weren’t there, didn’t see, didn’t know.

I didn’t even think twice about picking up a guy for a fuck - it was what I did. It just happened - I picked them up, they picked me up, they fucked me. I really never knew if some of my girlfriends behaved the same way or not, as I never really discussed my encounters with them, probably because I felt so guilty (the Catholic response again) or because I’m not much of a communicator anyway. It was my private business. Things happen to you along the way and...well, you just go with it.

I may have mentioned previously about the sexual harassment I received from my brother-in-law during my whole adolescent life. Under the guise of being “the big brother” he was very good at arranging to be alone with me, and took every opportunity to get his hands on my pubescent body. On one occasion, as he fondled me I clearly remember him saying:

“I’m educating you...something your father should be doing, preparing you for adult life...” etc.

I was way too young to understand what he was doing and what he was talking about, but as I got older, I began to think:

“He’s introducing me to his male friends - ‘prepared for them’ (he was actually a source of some nice men!)”

In any case I simply thought that to fuck them was what was expected of me, that was what my training was all about - I was being offered to them. So I did...fuck them all.

In another movie we saw recently: “Little Miss Sunshine”, the grandfather gives the following advice to his grandson: “fuck lots of women”. Well yes, experience life and find your sexual maturity along the way and hopefully you’ll get there in the end...well at least you’ll get it in the end - regularly!

For someone who picked up guys and fucked them as an unconscious act, I can remember just about all of my sexual conquests and I can remember many of the circumstances. I even remember the guys’ names. I didn’t do anything too outrageous: I never fucked in public toilets or masturbated in the change rooms. Just straight fucking. Not even any weird stuff either.

The so-called “weird stuff” has only happened recently with MM: I have toys to play with, I can talk freely about sex with friends, I go to couples parties and participate in mini orgies, I’ve licked a few cunts, I have my own whip, I’ve experienced DP, joined the mile high club (with MM), and so on. Nothing too outrageous...

But really what I crave is raunchy, hot fast sex which is desperate and satisfying. All the rest is window dressing.

I just wish to christ that I could have a screaming, leg-buckling, earth-shaking fucking orgasm!!! Well the kind I sometimes see at the movies anyway.

One sexual conquest in my past life I do remember quite well: it was about a guy I worked with: I was the sexy secretary and he was an economist. I’d regularly see him at work and we both worked out at the gym at lunch times, occasionally at the same time. Jim had a great body and so did I. We talked a lot and genuinely admired each other’s company and hot bodies. Unfortunately he was in a live-in relationship with someone else at the time. Well, all’s fair in love etc. so, at his farewell celebration (he was about to travel overseas), our relationship developed into an unspoken understanding that this was our consummation night, the night when we would finally fuck each other. We all partied together, a group from work having drinks and dinner. Oh we were all very professional! Although I was living with a girlfriend at the time, for some reason just little old me plus several boys, maybe about 8 of them, ended up back at my place. As the night wore on, one by one they left and of course Jim was the last man standing. Someone had earlier offered him a lift home, but he had declined, and that’s when I knew it would be ME. Well him and me. Throughout the night there had been a lot of intimate eye contact between us. We had flirted outrageously. God, he was gorgeous. And again I was so amazed and honoured that this beautiful hunk of a guy would choose to be with me.

I was soooo wet for him...

He stayed, and we fucked and fucked and fucked....all night.... well not quite the whole night because I knew he had to leave before dawn, and it was accepted that he had to go, and that would probably be the last time I would ever see him.

Did I feel guilty about fucking another girl’s man? Did I feel guilty about behaving so wantonly? Not in the slightest. It was inevitable. It was an unspoken understanding between two sexual beings.

I think Jim and I would have been good together. Years later I ran into him again. I was with my partner at the time and he was still with the woman he had been living with, except they were now married. And she was older than him!

It was still there though. You can’t hide the sexual attraction you have for someone, it’s always in the eyes.

Jim was a lovely man… I still wonder occasionally how he is.